A cold Friday night in Chesham, Buckinghamsire. Outside, a winter wind howls. Inside the Elgiva theatre, something else is howling - me as I wave my arms as if gliding in an aeroplane. It is the law of dancing to Take That, as enshrined in the constitution of the national Take That Adoration society, which we all signed up to for life to back in 1993.
And for us, unlike Robbie Williams, there is no get-out clause. Ours is the unspeakable, unrequited love that never ends. But hang on a minute, what is going on?
Could it be magic? Take That tribute band Take Fat are tipped to be one of the big hits of this year's Britain's Got Talent
Could it be magic? Take That tribute band Take Fat are tipped to be one of the big hits of this year's Britain's Got Talent
It’s February 2011 and I’m swaying and singing Back For Good at the top of my lungs.
Just like the good old days. Just like at Wembley back in the early Nineties when you couldn’t hear yourself think in the thicket of teen shrieks and the heat of the Robbie adoration.
Except this is not the old days. Those men on the stage in front of us are not Take That.
And that creature skipping around in the tracksuit pants with a 40 in waist, dripping like a defrosting steak as he wheezes through a cover version of Shine, definitely isn’t Robbie Williams.
Welcome to the world of Take Fat, the latest in a long line of Take That tribute bands cashing in on the music and the popularity of one of Britain’s most successful boy bands ever.
Take Fat’s unique selling point, and let’s not beat around the blubber here, is that they are fat.
They are chubsters. They are pop weebles who wobble. In a world of hollow-cheeked heart-throbs, they dare to be jumbo buttered crumpet.
And to this plump end, the five members of Take Fat have renamed themselves, in honour of the original band members, as Gary Lardo, Jason Chocolate Orange, Howard McDonalds, Mark Growin’ and Blobbie Williams.
To be fair, as they clatter around the stage of the Elgiva like runaway steers, it must be pointed out that Take Fat’s Mark is just as much of a shrimp as Take That’s Mark.
However, the rest of them vary between Fred Flinstone and the Pontypridd front row on the bathroom scales.
Although at one point during the show I think that Howard McDonalds is faking it by packing a pillow under his check shirt.
Until he raises his arms up on the chorus of Shine, and a giant, white tummy slips from its moorings like an octopus surfacing for air. Like his band members, Howard is not the skinny latte but the real, full-fat cream.
Spot the difference: The real Take That have a long line of tribute bands cashing in on the music and the popularity of one of Britain's most successful boy bands ever
Spot the difference: The real Take That have a long line of tribute bands cashing in on the music and the popularity of one of Britain's most successful boy bands ever
Take Fat are getting bigger all the time and have already caused a mini-quake in the early heats of the next series of Britain’s Got Talent.
The group were one of the star acts of the January auditions, filmed in preparation for the spring 2011 broadcast of the show.
The panel all loved them, and a flood of leaking rumours hint that Take Fat are poised to be a Britain’s Got Talent sensation.
Yet there are moments during their show, as I watch them wheeze around the stage, doing the hand-pump actions and the corny dance routines to early Take That numbers, when I think; is this a bit of a one-note samba?
Certainly, Blobbie Williams has got Robbie‘s self-satisfied, attention-seeking smirk down perfectly.
And Blobbie‘s thwarted attempts to perform solo numbers throughout the set are rooted in hubris and reality. But the audience are not laughing at Take Fat, they are laughing with them.
For the XXL group are careful to remain several bales lighter than Giant Haystacks. They are amusing, rather than grotesque. I suppose it’s all the choreography to Could It Be Magic that keeps them keen and, almost, lean.
Before the show began, I went backstage to speak to Take Fat and found one of them rehearsing alone onstage.
It was Blobbie Williams - but he wouldn’t let me interview him, which was kind of ironic, because the original Robbie Williams once did.
‘I can’t talk to you. We’ve signed contracts with Britain’s Got Talent. You have to go through their office,’ he said, before scuttling off through the wings to the dressing room.
Serious business: Britain's Got Talent is meant to be entertaining, a bit of harmless fun. Yet to scratch the surface is to see how desperately serious it is
Serious business: Britain's Got Talent is meant to be entertaining, a bit of harmless fun. Yet to scratch the surface is to see how desperately serious it is
That’s the thing about Britain’s Got Talent. It is meant to be entertaining, a bit of harmless fun. Yet to scratch the surface, even of an unknown group flogging around a stage on a wet weekend in the shires, is to see how desperately serious it is.
And to be fair, it is also to understand how much the prime-time television exposure can mean to a group like Take Fat. They perform on a circuit rarely written about, a snake pit where an entire strata of wannabe stars share the bill with a motley crew of has-beens on the way back down.
Here at the Elgiva, upcoming acts include an evening with The Searchers; Jimmy Greaves Live; Alan Price in concert; Rollermania with Les McKeown and Dusty Springfield and friends in concert.
That’s going to be interesting, considering Dusty died years ago.
The greatest and most popular market seems to be in tribute bands, a depressing sign of the times. There is a show by Fleetwood Bac as opposed to Fleetwood Mac.
And there is even a Cheryl Cole tribute act; Cheryl Faux.
And although they might have cornered the market in celebrity chafed thighs, Take Fat are by no means the only Take That tribute band.
They compete with the massed ranks of Take On Take That; Fake That; Back For Good; Simply Take That; The Take That Experience; Forever Take That; and, yes, Re-Take That.
Back onstage at the Elgiva, Take Fat are ploughing through the back catalogue of Take That songs.
As they do so, I can’t help but feel that it is the cheery pop brilliance of Gary Barlow’s original compositions that make the evening such fun, and very little to do with Take Fat singing along to their taped backing tracks.
So it is one more chorus of It Only Takes A Minute Girl, which means we must all clap like we are drying lettuces. Then spin and turn, spin and turn.
Blobbie does his smirk face again before vanishing into the night for ever
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate....GJEwtPU
а вместо гудков- shine звучит)) и и flood на звонке=) ну чем не тт-phone 
